Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So since I'm going through many changes lately (moving home, breaking up with BF etc...), I've decided to document the lessons I'm learning- and re-learning- here on my blog.

I have a general feeling of empowerment, sprinkled with moments of deep sadness and regret. Why regret? Well, it seems I have made the same 'mistake' more than once- with regards to my love life. I rush in because of all the amazing feelings I have for said boy, and then I realize that maybe we're not that compatible. By then I feel obliged to stay the course and bust my ass trying to make it work. Which only results in me forgetting about myself and drowning my personality in the 'others' needs. Mind you, I see clearly my fault in this behavior. Making the other person somewhat dependent on my catering ways, until it becomes unbearable for me to continue. And then I must end it, which inevitably results in their shock and pain. So, what I'm really saying is: One should never be untrue to themselves, no matter how uncomfortable or painful it may be to reveal. It is ALWAYS better to be expressive in the moment. You avoid delaying and prolonging situations that don't need any extension. Nip it in the bud. Better yet, take more time before plunging into a relationship that may not be the best fit for you. The funny thing is, I've thought these thoughts before. But, this time I feel truly committed to following my own rules. To be 100% authentic and truthful, no matter what. I will not chase any man. I will not. I will not make the first move. I will not. Now, perhaps this sounds a little archaic. But, you know what? I want to see what a man is made of. Are they courageous? Are they upfront? Do their actions and words match? I want to know that someone will fight for me, and WITH me if necessary. Will they challenge me intellectually and spiritually? Will they have a strong enough ego to deal with my criticisms as well? Love is about courage. And the fire to fight for what is best in each other.

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