RACCOON EYES + REFLECTIVE CONCEALER

Yesterday I got my acting thing on for the mini-series shoot, in Mississauga. Aboo dropped me off at 10am, complete with a Timmy’s coffee and old fashioned glazed donut, fulfilling the ‘Daddy’s little girl’ part of my brain (which I’m sure is covered in pink, frilly fabric with lollipops hanging from the ceiling). After changing into my wardrobe of scrubs and lab coat, I head over to hair/makeup. Got my hair done first. Total brown girl styles, with it half pulled back and a bit poufy around the head. Then it was time for makeup.

Uh oh. Spaghettios.

At first it all seemed to be going well. Foundation was a match. It was light, comfortable and non-greasy. Everything was blended well, and my skin tone was so even it looked like I’d just shaved. But just as I was thinking to myself, ‘wow, this chick is good,’- the shit hit the fan. The attack on my delicate raccoon eyes began in earnest. WARNING: not all makeup artists are created equal! Some navigate expertly around the mysterious dark eye, while others fall prey to its tricky personality. Unfortunately, this one proved to be of the latter variety, lovely though she was. The first thing she applied was some type of really light colored creamy stuff that I thought would serve as a reflective aid. But it just ended up looking all patchy. The next thing was a brown concealer that she put around the light stuff and then a powder concealer thing all over. As soon as the powder hit my bags, I knew I was in trouble. First of all, it brought the concealer count up to 3, and second of all: it’s POWDER. She went directly against the first two rules of the Ten Concealer Commandments (not yet published)- #1: don’t mix the mediums, and #2: don’t use more than two! By the time she was done, I basically had reverse dark circles. They were very, very white.

Now, I’m a professional ok. And I’m not even close to being the star of the show, so I don’t say one word. No complaints over here. I’m happy. Jovial. Crack some jokes. Y’know, do my thing. Get on set, do some takes- they’re touching me up in between. S’all good. When I finally get to a bathroom a couple of hours later, I look in the mirror and am possessed by the desire to attack my face with an ice scraper. It looked as though I had a mud mask on, just under my eyes. There was ample ‘cracking,’ kind of like when clay sits and dries out. I looked about 10 years older, with ‘wrinkles’ all over my eye area. You see, every time I smiled or made an expression with my eyes (which was quite often, being that I’m an actor and everything), the makeup would convene in the lines and sit there. Collecting there. So when my face was at rest there were lines where my laugh creases are, filled with a gooey yet crackly concoction of concealers. Ew. And the thing is, if the lighting is good (which it was) there’s no need for all that makeup.

So I came up with a product. Are you ready?? Two words: Reflective.Concealer. A light coverage cream that has reflective particles in it, that bounce light away from the dark area, making the raccoon eyes seem like they’ve disappeared. I’m telling you, anyone out there with dark eye issues, such as myself, would go crazy for this stuff. Seriously, I’m being serious right now. I need to make this happen! Can you imagine the millions to be made?! There are so many people out there who have this problem- like um, all the brownies of the world. Are you hearing the genius right now?? Ok, so please pass this on to any scientists you know. ‘Cuz, I know nothing about chemistry. Or being an inventor. But I promise whoever makes this happen, I’ll give you a lot of my money. I swear.